start(led)

making the move to brantford was made easier for me. i had the great fortune of having my parents with me. one of my best friends remarked that it was like the first day of kindergarten. my sister teased me relentlessly about how big a baby i was being - needing my parents to come with me. i used to resent it but now i know i needed them here with me.

after we first arrived in toronto, we spent 2 weeks together. and when it came closer to the time that they had to drop me off, i kept putting it off. i wouldn’t set a time for them to drop me off. the first time they dropped me off was a false start. i didn’t know it then, of course. it was labour day and i cried that first time, i felt abandoned. but i knew that they were nearby because they were going to be in toronto for another week. on tuesday, mom called to tell me that uncle benny from ottawa was going to be coming in for a wedding and wanted to have lunch with me. i didn’t care all that much about uncle benny, he’s a lovely man with a beautiful family, but i wanted to see mom and dad so i agreed to it. they drove an hour to get me and we drove another 2 hours to get to the dim sum restaurant. after lunch we took our time. we did some last minute shopping for my room and then we headed downtown to visit toronto’s biggest camera store. my father was unconvinced that the one he went to in mississauga was the biggest so that’s why we went to the mother of them all. he didn’t buy anything, he just browsed for the time on our metered parking. we had dinner in chinatown and then we headed back to brantford.

they came in for a little while and busied themselves – my mother did the dishes, my father checked out the room and bathroom. then it was time for them to go. it was quick and far from painless. long hugs and quick kisses on the cheek. mom yelled out last minute advice on the way to the car, “take care of yourself,” and “call if you need anything.” i had a huge lump in my throat and the tears came easily.

they call a week later from the airport and were about to board their flight and i half wished they didn’t. i cried some more.

i’ll leave goodbyes to the birds. it’s easier without sentiment.

i miss my family. i miss coming home and lounging around the house, fighting for time on the computer, and making myself a snack, usually something microwavable. i miss the witty and sometimes insulting banter with and between my siblings. i loved that we knew each other’s moods and when to back off, and if we didn’t, it would be made abundantly clear. i miss being able to be moody. here, i always have to be content, polite, and helpful. i miss feeling accepted and loved. here i am accepted but not loved.

i am without the bare necessity of family. i am alone. i am far too right from the left coast. there are no mountains and vast bodies of water here. i am stranded too far inland to make anything of memories.